Earlier today I came across a somewhat witty blog post describing the 6 type of customers who go to Starbucks, and it made me remember the good old days when I was a smarmy barista at Starbucks. While I’m sure the many people who frequent Starbucks found the article to be amusing, I found it to be a little lacking. Hence, I wanted to add to it and offer a view from the other side of the counter. So here are the six types of people who go to Starbucks from the perspective of a former Starbucks Barista.
1. The Person Who Does Not Know What They Are Ordering
Admittedly the world of craft coffee can be a little confusing, but this person is just way behind the curve. Whenever people like this come up to the counter, they are usually accompanied by an ominous cloud predicting misery for the poor souls behind the bar. They might ask for a cappuccino when they really want a latte, or they might ask for a Frappuccino without realizing that it’s a cold drink. These people are some of the most frustrating to deal with because they typically don’t admit that they need help, and when you make the drink that they ask for, it will always be your fault when it’s not what they wanted. On the bright side, since the barista typically has to remake their drink, it’s pretty easy to find retribution by slipping them decaf. While the official policy of Starbucks is “Just say yes,” the typical policy of actual baristas in this situation is “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.”
2. The Person Who Thinks You’re Incompetent
These people are a thorn in the side of every barista they encounter. Whenever they place their order, they waste the register’s time by over annunciating their drink, and when they’re waiting for their order, they stare down the barista making their drink with something similar to the Lazy Eye in Fievel Goes West.
The most annoying thing they do, however, is when they take off the lid to inspect the drink. Personally, I’m inclined to believe that they’re actually hoping something will be wrong just so they can criticize someone. If you’re this type of person, the best thing you can do is frequent a variety of stores rather than just one. Because once you incur the wrath of a barista, you’ll never get the drink you actually asked for again. Trust me, baristas have long memories, and while you may not be able to tell, he or she will be maniacally laughing once you’re gone.
3. The Person Who Names Their Own Drink
These people think that they are clever, but in actuality they’re not. They typically have a favorite drink that they order all the time, and somewhere along the way they start referring to it a certain way. While this isn’t a problem if you only go one Starbucks, it becomes problematic when you break up your routine and visit a different store. If you fall into this category, Starbucks baristas everywhere have this to say to you, “I do not know what you’re talking about, nor am I required to know what you are talking about. Nicknaming your drink will get you nowhere in life.” Whenever these people visit Starbucks, the baristas just roll their eyes and curse the darkness.
4. The Regular Who Always Tips
As far as the baristas are concerned, these people are saints. They could ask for something utterly ridiculous, and we would probably give it to them at a discounted price. These people never have to wait in line and will be loved by all. Honestly, there are very few things a Starbucks Barista won’t do for a good tip.
5. The Regular Who Never Tips
These people are beyond infuriating. They want to be friends with their barista, but it’s like the tip jar doesn’t even exist. Unfortunately, these people are typically too nice to intentionally mess up their drinks. So if you’re a nice person, you can rest assured. If you’re not a nice person… well, hopefully God will have mercy on your soul. If you fall into this category, you might notice that your barista drops quite a few hints regarding the tip jar, and if you have ever felt a weird pain in your back, it’s probably from the imaginary dagger we used to stab you when you ignored our hint for the hundredth time.
6. The Person Who Grabs The Wrong Drink
These people are the scum of the earth, and words cannot describe how much we hate them. If you ever grab the wrong drink by accident, here’s what you should do: never go back to that Starbucks again. That may seem extreme, but, trust me, it’s for the best. As I said earlier, baristas have long memories, and you’ll unfortunately be forever remembered as the person who ruined that poor barista’s day (this isn’t a metaphor. We’ll still be talking about how much we hate you years later).
Chances are baristas everywhere will love me for posting this, but categories 1, 2, 3, 5, and 6 will hate me. Personally, I’m okay with that though.